Every day for the countdown until Christmas I will be having guest bloggers visit my page and share some tips they have learned along the way in their motherhood journey. Be on the look out for our Guest Bloggers Series!
Glad to be here with all you awesome moms! We have some holiday cheer, advice and well, a bunch of super deep, really useless nonsense to discuss with you today.
First, let’s make holiday shopping fun again!
This isn’t about some techy phone device or gaming software. Nope.
As we start off chatting with you about holiday shopping, we wanted to share an important tip. When shopping, don’t be afraid to keep a flask in your purse. Take a swig every so often. Don’t, by any means get plastered. Just small swigs, two or three times. That’s all you need.
As a follow up to the flask thing; right after you get home from shopping, immediately wrap the gifts. You’re going to wrap them like shit, (from being half cocked), but just tell the giftees that the kids REALLY wanted to help with wrapping this year. Problem solved, beotch.
Oh, anyone reading this who gets a shitty-wrapped gift from me this year…um. I plead the 5th.
iFlask. iWrap. iWin.
Now, moving on to a very important question:
Can balloons replace Santa Magic?
I was struck by something I read on a Facebook group about being a “fun” mom. A woman was venting that her daughter whispered to Santa Claus her Christmas list, but wouldn’t tell her parents because she wanted to see if Santa was real or not. The discussion continued of other moms commenting about the efforts they took in similar situations to “keep the magic alive” until finally one mom commented, “Have you considered how much time and effort we put into continuing a lie?”
Whoah. Mind blown.
In my house, I’m thinking about hiding gifts. Not just their gifts, but the gifts that “Santa” gives the rest of our family. Hiding wrapping paper so they don’t know question how Mom and Santa have the same wrapping paper.
As if explaining how Santa visits every house in one night isn’t enough, but then how he can be at the mall, at the tree lot, at the parade and the 300 other holiday festivals/lightings/cluster fucks that you know you’ll attend to ramp up the magic of the holiday season.
For the skiddish child, you have to convince them that it’s cool that someone breaks in to your house to leave gifts and is always WATCHING THEM. That scares me! I’m still worried about whether my grandmother can see me from heaven when hubby and I have a few drinks, I can’t imagine how the children feel!
Then you have the Pinterest moms that leave Santa footprints around the house, make reindeer feed and religiously move the creepiest little elf that I’ve ever seen.
What about people that don’t have fireplaces……WHAT DO THEY DO? They are screwed! Do those moms break a window every Christmas eve?
And have you seen the emotional appeal to parents to not have Santa give them too many great gifts because all Santas aren’t created equal?
ALL THIS FOR SOME FREAKING MAGIC? Can I just fill a balloon with glitter confetti and pop it in my kid’s face? Won’t that be magical?
And with that new found time I’ll do something constructive. Like cleaning my house. Because that won’t get messed up again an hour later.
Now that day dreaming about a clean house, let’s go back to the magical land of holiday shopping:
Holiday shopping is freaking awesome. If you’re a PSYCHOpath. To cheer you up, here’s our:
TOP 5 Ways To Make Holiday Shopping More Enjoyable
5: Wear a scary mask like the one from Scream, or possibly a bloody dagger coming out of the side of your head/mask. I think that would make holiday shopping quite fun. Just wear it in the stores though, not while driving.
4: Wear roller skates. You’ll get things done faster and you’ll probably knock into people and knock them over. But you can say simply say, “sorry, it’s the skates”. You can also chew Double Bubble bubblegum for added enjoyment.
3: Reward yourself with McDonalds fast food right after shopping. The food might reek havoc on your plumbing, but it’s damn good while it’s going down. Alternatively, you can do Taco Bell, if that’s your thing.
2: Carry around a goldfish in a clear bag, and grumble things like, “my goldfish is dying, I’ve got to get him home.” People will let you ahead of them in the lines because no one wants to be the guy that killed a goldfish. If you run into a douche, start yelling “this guy is a fish killer”. He’ll let you ahead of him. And give you 10 dollars for your troubles.
1: Do it from home! Dude. If you haven’t heard, there’s this thing called THE IN-TER-NET. It’s got all these cool features where you can GOO-GLE. And stuff will pop up on your SCREEEEEN. And you can buuuuy it. And it will show up on your dooooorstep in a few days. Pretty neato stuff. I highly recommend it. Where all my Amazon Primers at??!! Holler.
We couldn’t make this visit without calling out the ELF ON THE DAMN SHELF.
Who’s Tired Of That Stupid Elf?
Top 5 Places To Hide (GET RID OF) Elf On A Shelf:
5: In the garbage.
You know you hate that effing thing. Just throw it away.
4: In a foreign country.
UPS or FedEx ship it to any country, and poof, it’s gone.
3: Outside on a windy day.
Hopefully a big gust of wind will pick it up and send it hurling into the sky, and out of your life forever and ever. Fingers crossed.
2: The Moon.
For $25, N.A.S.A. will take shitty toys up to the Moon and leave them to float in space for all eternity.
1: Grandma and Grandpa’s House:
They bought the damn thing. Let them screw around with it.
Lastly, we leave you with a very serious, very important question as it relates to holiday preparation:
Would You Rather:
Be responsible for moving that blasted Elf on the Shelf for all of November AND December.
Do all of your holiday shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. And your very large family gives each member a gift.
Both of these choices are freaking horrifying. I’m not even sure what I’d rather do. How about you?
Want to be MORE horrified? Check out our book, Bleeping Motherhood’s Would You Rather: Pregnancy, Baby & Beyond on Amazon today!
About the Author
Audrey Saracco and Kerri Haack (known as Bleeping Audrey and Bleeping Kerri) are the comedic brains behind their award winning blog, Bleeping Motherhood. The blog and their series of “Would You Rather” books are inspired by many of their own personal life experiences as moms.