There will be days when you find yourself remembering all of the things that mothers are supposed to do. You are rushing to make breakfast while thinking about your child’s school project. You are replying to work messages while thinking about dinner. You are stressed out over whether or not you paid the electric bill.
Then you remember that your son’s shoes have suddenly become too small, someone needs a haircut and the laundry still needs to be washed.
Just when you thought you could have five minutes to yourself, you hear your child call out to you, “Mom?”
You love your children, but that does not mean that you have unlimited patience, time and energy. You do not need more tricks to become an efficient mother. You need to learn how to ask for help from those who rely on you.
If you’ve ever lain in bed thinking the thoughts: “I did so much today, so why do I still feel like I didn’t do enough?” then you’re not alone. Many mothers have jobs beyond the physical labor of motherhood.
This is one of the reasons that feeling of being an overwhelmed mom can be so exhausting. You may not have a single large task to complete all day. Instead, there may be a multitude of small tasks to attend to.
The good news is that you don’t have to be the best at doing all the tasks for the family. You can start focusing on your time and energy to complete just those tasks that need to be yours.
Why Do You Feel Like You Have to Do Everything?
Motherhood comes with a lot of visible work. There are all of the different jobs involved in providing for your child: cooking meals, washing clothes, getting the children ready for school, doing homework, running errands for groceries, appointments, bills, and more.
But there is another kind of work that nobody sees.
It happens in your head.
You remember your child needs a costume for school next week. There is a birthday party on Saturday. The toothpaste is almost finished in the bathroom sink. You remember the school form needs to be signed. You are thinking about what to prepare for dinner for the whole family while you are still attempting to finish your own lunch.
That mental work can be just as tiring as the physical work.
A survey of India revealed that 92.9% of women of the country’s age range (between 15 and 59) performed unpaid domestic services for members of their households, as compared with only 30.4% of men of the same age range. Furthermore, the women that performed such domestic work performed an average of 305 minutes of such work each day. Additionally, women also tend to perform more unpaid domestic services than men. While these statistics are of women in general, not mothers in particular, they do suggest that there is a significant portion of the country’s women who perform such domestic work each day.
Thus, if you often find yourself thinking about what you are about to do when you go to sleep, you may have a good reason to do so.
The Mental Load of Motherhood Is More Than Doing Chores
Imagine that your partner takes the children to school. This is incredibly helpful, but there are a few things to think about before the children leave with your partner.
Who checked the school’s WhatsApp group to see if there were any updates? Who remembered that Friday was dress up day for the children? Who noticed that the child needed a new uniform? Who signed the permission slip to go to the field trip? Who remembered the school project was due the following Monday?
If you did all of these things, then your partner has not given you the responsibility. They have just given you one part of the job.
This is the so-called mental load of motherhood. The mental load of motherhood includes:
- Remembering upcoming schedules and requirements
- Planning meals, trips, and daily routines
- Organising household inventory and supplies
- Anticipating future problems before they happen
- Making countless daily micro-decisions
However, the difficult part about these responsibilities is that no one else will see them. While you may be seen preparing dinner for the family, no one will know that you were the one who began thinking about dinner three hours prior to preparation. While you may be the one that purchases school supplies for your children, no one will remember that you are the one who noted that the supplies were needed.
While the family may become used to you remembering everything about the family, it does not mean that they are taking advantage of you. It may simply be a habit that has developed over time within the relationship between the family members. However, if this habit is exhausting you, it is certainly within your rights to change that pattern within the relationship with your family members. simple ways mothers can look after their emotional well-being. Mental Health Tips for Moms.
Practical Steps to Reduce Your Load
Step 1: Start by Looking at Everything You Are Carrying
Before you start looking for ways to organise your life better, take a few minutes to look at the various things that are currently making you feel tired.
Grab a notebook or open the notes app on your phone. Write down all the things that you are responsible for managing in your life right now. There is no need to make the list look neat. Write down cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, school communication, homework, children’s activities, appointments, birthdays, bills, clothes, meal planning, household supplies, work responsibilities, family events, travel planning, and emotional support.
Write as many of these as you can think of. You might be surprised at how many there are. However, this is not a bad thing. This list will allow you to get a better idea of your current life and what might be eliminated to improve your load.
Then take each responsibility and ask yourself four questions:
- Who notices that this needs to be done?
- Who plans it?
- Who actually does it?
- Who checks to ensure that it has been done?
If the answer to each of these questions is “me,” then you’ve likely found one of your mental load’s responsibilities. Recognizing them is the first step to changing them.
Step 2: Accept That Not Everything Needs to Be Done Perfectly
For most mothers, it’s difficult to accept that not everything needs to be done perfectly. Some tasks and responsibilities for mothers do require more effort than others. For example, your children need to be fed, there are deadlines for school that need to be met, medication needs to be taken, and bills need to be paid.
But other things can wait. You do not have to cook a meal every evening. Your laundry does not have to be done every day. Your child does not have to have a perfect study area.
Organize your tasks into three categories:
- Category
- What it means
- Practical Example
- Must Do
- Important for health and wellbeing
- Meals, medication
- Helpful
- Makes life easier but not essential
- Meal preparation
- Nice to Have
- Good if you have time
- Perfect home and spotless rooms
This doesn’t mean that you should no longer care for your home and your family. It simply means that you should no longer waste your best energy on doing so. Sometimes the best thing is the best thing – good enough!
Step 3: Your Home Is Allowed to Look Lived In
It’s okay for your house to be messy. There may be toys on the floor, the sink may still have dishes, the laundry basket may be overflowing with items yet to be washed, and there may even be a school bag in the middle of the room. This is the life of a family with young children.
Think about what your family needs from you. Perhaps they need dinner, perhaps they need their clothes to be dressed appropriately for the following day, perhaps they need help with their homework, perhaps they need your patience, or perhaps they simply need your attention. They do not need you to have perfectly folded towels in the bathroom or a kitchen that is entirely cleaned up after dinner every single night.
Trying to keep everything perfect can become another source of pressure. Research into the topic of parental burnout has revealed factors like perfectionism, anxiety, the need for control and a lack of social support contribute to the feelings of parents who are burning out.
If you have been telling yourself over and over again that the “good mom” should be the one to keep everything under control in the home, it’s time to start to question that idea. Your children don’t need a perfect home run by an exhausted mother.
Step 4: Stop Asking for Help and Start Sharing Responsibility
While these two may sound similar, they are significantly different from one another.
Instead of asking if someone can help with the laundry, ask if they will take full responsibility for the laundry that needs to be done this week.
Instead of asking if someone can help with dinner, ask if they can handle cooking dinner on Tuesday and Thursday.
Instead of asking if someone can take the kids to school, ask if they will take responsibility for the school routine on Monday and Wednesday.
Instead of asking if someone can get groceries, ask if they can manage grocery shopping this week.
When you ask someone to help you with a task, you remain in the position of manager. When someone takes full ownership of a task, it is no longer your task.
Step 5: Talk to Your Partner Before You Completely Burn Out
If you have a partner, talk to them about the workload. Don’t wait until you’re standing in the kitchen late at night, when you are ready to explode at the frustration of everything you haven’t accomplished.
Instead, try to have a conversation about what is happening in the relationship:
“Hey, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by all of this. I don’t think the issue is that I need to become more organised. I feel like I’m shouldering all of the planning in my head, but it’s becoming exhausting. Can we take a look at everything we’ve got and see what we can share?”
Sharing responsibilities does not mean having to divide up the household chores equally. Life is rarely perfectly balanced. It is important that neither person is expected to always do everything themselves.
Step 6: Let Other People Do Things Differently
This is where delegation of tasks can become difficult. You ask another person to take care of a task for you but they do it in a different manner than you would have performed it.
Your first thought may be, “This is why I usually do it myself.”
However, before taking the task back yourself, consider whether the other person completed the task altogether – or simply performed it in a different way. Perhaps they do the towels a different way. Perhaps they pack the lunchbox a different way. Perhaps they do not load the dishwasher the way you usually do it.
If it’s unsafe, tell them what to change. If it’s simply different from what you’re used to, let them be different. Otherwise, delegation doesn’t work. Ultimately, you have to give them the opportunity to have their way so that you can truly delegate. Otherwise, you’ll always be on top of things mentally.
Step 7: Let Your Children Contribute Too
Allow your children to contribute to the household too. As they grow, allow them to take on tasks according to their capability:
Younger children can be taught to put their toys away, put their clothes in the laundry basket, and place their books on the shelf.
Children who are attending school can be tasked with putting their bags and shoes in their room, setting the dining table for lunch, and keeping their sleeping area neat and tidy.
-Older children and teens can be given more responsibility for their own laundry, cooking meals, cleaning the house, and organizing their school supplies.
The purpose of this type of task isn’t to teach children to deal with the problems of adults. Rather, it teaches them that a family functions as a team, and that the mother doesn’t have to clean up after everybody else.
Step 8: Have a “Bare Minimum” Day for Difficult Days
Some days are simply not as great as others. Perhaps one or more children are sick, perhaps you slept badly the past few nights, perhaps you’ve had problems at work, or perhaps you have a headache. On these types of days, create a bare minimum version of the routine:
Normal Day: Cook meals, work, clean the house, exercise, do laundry, help with homework, prepare for the next day.
Difficult Day: There will be a difficult day when you have to feed everyone simply, deal with urgent work, make sure everyone is safe, do some basic cleanup of the kitchen, and get some rest.
The laundry can wait. The cupboard can stay messy. Dinner can be scrambled eggs or the leftovers from the prep for lunch.
A difficult day is just a difficult day. It is not a failure.
Step 9: Make Meals Easier
Cooking can take up a lot of mental space in the mind of even the most organized of mothers and fathers.
Why not create a list of the meals that the family loves? Perhaps dal and rice, roti and vegetables, khichdi, or even pasta for the kids.
- Repeat meals without guilt.
- Use leftovers intentionally.
- Batch cook extra portions when possible.
- Rely on convenient options when time is tight.
A meal doesn’t suddenly become more valuable if you spent two hours preparing it.
Step 10: Stop Waiting for Everything to Be Finished Before You Rest
You will never find time to rest if you wait until everything is done before you take a breath.
Right now, make time for a few simple tasks:
- Drink your tea without doing any other tasks at the same time.
- Take a short 10-minute walk outside.
- Read a few pages of a book or stretch.
- Sit quietly without picking up your phone.
Even fifteen minutes can give you a chance to breathe. Taking a break from the routine isn’t for rewards – it’s for your continued ability to do the activities you love.
Step 11: Learn to Say No Without a Long Explanation
We often place ourselves in a overwhelmed state by finding ourselves in the position of having to say yes to things we would rather not do out of guilt. Before we agree to anything, we can ask ourselves if we have the capacity to do so.
Simple ways to set boundaries:
- “I won’t be able to take that on this week.”
- “I already have too much going on right now.”
- “Let me check my schedule before I commit.”
- “No, I can’t do that this time.”
You don’t have to write a long paragraph to explain why you’re setting this boundary. It’s not rude to set boundaries around your time. It’s honest communication about your limits.
Step 12: Manage “Mom Guilt”
Often, when you take time for yourself, guilt will come up in your mind telling you that you should be doing something for your children instead. Taking care of yourself does not mean you care for your family any less.
When guilt strikes, remind yourself: “My family matters, and I matter too.”
Solutions for Specific Family Systems:
If You’re a Single Mom
Since working with a partner is out of the question, the focus should shift to support groups and simplifying as much of your daily routine as humanly possible.
Support Groups
Instead of doing it all yourself, find other single parents in your area whom you can lean on for support.
Simplifying Your Routine
Cook batch meals for the week to eliminate the prep work daily. Also, avoid the nonessential social commitments that might otherwise derail your efforts to care for your family.
Focus on what will make you and your kids the happiest and healthiest that you can possibly be.
If You Live in a Joint Family
While joint families share many responsibilities, they may all vie for your attention as well.
Specific Requests
Instead of asking someone “Can someone help me?” try asking “Can you take my kid to soccer?” or “Can you watch the kids while I run an errand?”
Home Responsibilities
Just because you are always at home does not mean you are responsible for all of their household tasks.
Recognizing When You Need More Support
There is a big difference between having a stressful week and struggling with your mental health on an ongoing basis. If you are struggling with any of the following, it is time to reach out to a healthcare or mental health professional:
- Sadness, extreme exhaustion or anxiety that you struggle with daily
- Losing interest in the activities you love
- Changes in your sleep, appetite or daily functioning
- Feeling hopeless, worthless or struggling with postpartum depression
- Harming yourself or your baby
If you are having thoughts of self-harm or hurting your child, please seek urgent professional medical support for yourself and your baby.
Seeking professional support for your mental health is not a sign of failure in dealing with depression. It is a sign of strength and a proactive step you can take to take care of yourself and your family.
Avoiding Mistakes That Maintain Overwhelm
- Trying to fix everything at once
Start with one area of your life. - Supervising delegated tasks
Let others do the tasks they are responsible for. - Creating rigid routines
Make routines that accommodate for unexpected events. - Comparing yourself to others
What you see on social media is not representative of the other responsibilities other people have in their households.
A Simple 7-Day Reset Plan
If you’re not sure where to start, try this one week to give yourself some breathing room:
- Day 1: Write down all of your responsibilities.
- Day 2: Select 3 responsibilities to eliminate.
- Day 3: Give 2 responsibilities to your partner or children.
- Day 4: Simplify 1 task that currently stresses you out.
- Day 5: Practice saying no to 1 commitment this week.
- Day 6: Set aside 20 minutes for yourself to rest or enjoy yourself.
- Day 7: Reflect on your week and find ways to continue these positive changes.
The 15-Minute Weekly Reset
Find 15 minutes once a week to look ahead at the days ahead with a notebook:
- What must happen?
- What can wait?
- What can someone else own?
- What do I need?
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel overwhelmed by all of this even though I haven’t done anything physically with my time?
Much of this comes from the mental management of your time. Planning meals, managing mental needs, answering questions, and worrying about what may happen next consumes a massive amount of mental energy while you are sitting down to do nothing.
How do I stop feeling like I have to do everything?
Write it out on paper and give ownership of these tasks to other members of the family.
How can I ask my partner for more help?
Have the conversation when both of you are calm. Ask your partner to take ownership of specific tasks rather than asking them for help with them.
What is the mental load of motherhood?
The mental load of motherhood is the mental tasks that come with having a family. It includes remembering the family’s appointments, planning the family schedule, and knowing when items in the house need to be stocked up.
How do I stop feeling guilty when taking time for myself?
By reframing taking care of myself as a requirement for being an effective parent.
Motherhood will always come with responsibilities. There will always be laundry somewhere in the house, there will always be messages from the school, meals to cook and children needing to do something from you.
What doesn’t have to be normal is the belief that every single thing has to be handled by you.
It’s okay to start with one small change. Maybe leaving one task to another family member, cooking simpler meals and even finally allowing the house to become messy for one evening.
Your children don’t need you to have the perfect home or to do everything for them. You just need to have enough energy to be with them, to enjoy life with them and for them to see you enjoying life. You are allowed to share the work and take time for yourself.
